Category Archives: Parenting

On Math and Needles

March 13, 2015 admin 5 Comments

It is 2:00 a.m. and here I am again. Hovering over my buddy boy’s crib and trying to gently wipe his finger with an alcohol swab without waking him up. I’m amazed by the fact that he can sleep through the entire blood sugar test now. Just last week when we were in the PICU he started whimpering whenever a nurse even walked into the room to do it. He sleeps through all of it now. The alcohol swab, the lancet pricking his finger, my squeezing a drop of his blood onto the meter and dabbing away the excess. I’m getting better at it now, too. And it’s only been 10 days.

It’s hard to believe that earlier last week I was blissfully unaware of what was going on inside Jack’s little body. His immune system had mistakenly decided to wage an all-out war on the insulin-producing cells in his pancreas. I thought he was just sleepy because he was going through a growth spurt. His body had been trying desperately to flush the excess sugar out of his system for weeks. I simply thought he was peeing through all of his diapers because he needed a larger size. He was thirsty all of the time, day and night. I just thought he was a well-hydrated little guy. Finally, one night when he woke up four times and downed several glasses of water each time, I put two and two together and called the pediatrician in the morning for a blood test. Little did I know we would be spending the remainder of our week at Phoenix Children’s Hospital, eyes glazed over as we got a crash course in pediatric endocrinology.

Looking back over the last couple of days, I will definitely say I’ve had my highs and lows. Type 1 diabetes is lot to take in. There have been moments of unbearable anxiety for his future. Moments where I worry about his kidneys and feet and eyes and everything else. There have been phrases like “comorbidities” and “end-stage” that have nearly sent me over the edge. I’ve had moments where I’ve realized that playdates and trips to Grandma’s house will never be the same. And I have cried about all of it. But I’ve also had moments where my heart has swelled with gratitude for the outpouring of love, support, and encouragement we have received from friends and family. And I’ve cried about that, too. Meals provided, gifts and cookies and playdates for my older kids, flowers and balloons and phone calls and texts. Moments of joy where I have gazed at my little Jack smiling and reaching for the bubbles I’ve blown for him and realized this could have been worse.

And now as I sit here in this half-lit room, gazing at Jack’s yummy round cheeks and his pouty lips wrapped around his thumb, I’m reminded that in this week of highs and lows, the highs have been resoundingly triumphant. They’ve knocked the lows straight out of the ring. There has never been a moment of despair that has not been immediately answered with a sense of calm. Not even once. There has been a consistent sense of peace that has gracefully laced it’s way through every doubt, subtly weaving the same phrase over and over again, “Kim, you can do this.” This, I know, is the answer to many prayers that have been so generously uttered on my behalf. This – as my mother-in-law so graciously reminded me – is truly the enabling power of the Atonement. Because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I can feel confident because I am in God’s hands. Jack is in God’s hands. We are not left to face this challenge alone. This is a source of strength that will continue to carry us as we face whatever challenges lay ahead.

As I was talking to a friend of mine the other night and explaining the complex mathematics used to determine Jack’s insulin dosage, I was joking with her that the Lord has made me face my two greatest fears: math and needles. Although, I feel the need to say that I don’t really fear math, I’m actually pretty good at it, but it’s like laundry and dishes, just another chore. Needles, on the other hand, are a genuine fear that I am still working on overcoming. But as I laughed nervously with her over the phone, the thought came again, and with more clarity than ever before. The phrase gathered above and shielded me like a peaceful shade on a hot summer day…

“Kim….you can totally do this.”

Books Kids Family, Parenting, Peaceful Living, Positive Discipline

Avoiding Blowback: Four Ways to Cope When Your Kids Are At Each Other’s Throats

Link November 4, 2013 admin 2 Comments

One of the main reasons I started this project was to help my children learn how to be peacemakers. I didn’t want to assume all of the responsibility for bringing peace to my home myself. I wanted my whole family to share in that process and be invested in it.

So you can imagine my concern when, during our family prayer the other night, my daughters were not-so-quietly throwing punches at each other and yell-whispering “I HATE YOU, STUPIDHEAD!” while fighting back tears over a bracelet, and my two-year-old buddy boy was chiming in, taking sides, and just generally making the situation worse.

Did I mention we were trying to say a prayer?

And you can continue to imagine my concern when, the next morning as we were leaving for school, the kids were fiercely arguing (again) over (another) something of passing significance.

So, I decided to do a little research (and by research, I mean asking my friends on Facebook) to look for ways to cope with, and hopefully minimize the conflicts between my children. I simply asked, “What do you do when your kids are at each other’s throats?”

What I found was very interesting.

The responses from my parent-friends to this question seemed to fall into two categories. Those that were rooted in emotion and those that were rooted in thought. The emotion-driven responses seemed to be more reactionary, whereas the thought-driven responses were apparently decided upon and developed ahead of time (before the conflict began).

As I processed these responses, I realized maybe these little sibling-rivalry spats wouldn’t be so bad if Mother Dearest was some saintly, perfectly calm, emotion-free thinker….cool as a cucumber and always in control.

“Oh, you sweet children. Having an argument again are you? Oh dear. Let’s take some time to process this. I’m going to calmly access all of the best parenting methods I have available to me to help you facilitate a resolution.”

That would be nice, wouldn’t it?

But unfortunately, that is not always the case.

Moms do have emotions. We are subject to the very same neuroscience that our children are subject to when they become frustrated, irritated, and uncontrollably angry. Hopefully, as adults, we can process our thoughts and feelings in a more disciplined way than our children can. That’s the goal, anyways…right?

So, to be honest, the real problem (for me) behind my children’s arguments are not the arguments themselves. Kids are kids. They will have conflicts. That is part of growing up and learning how to function in a family. That’s what siblings do. The problem is this: When kids flip their lids, sometimes it makes their parents flip their lids, too.

After some further research, I found there are basically two portions of our brain. The “downstairs” brain, located toward the lower back of our skull, is responsible for primal thought and emotion. Ever feel your heart beating fast, jaw clenched, and your fists ball up? Downstairs brain all the way. The downstairs brain can not access logical, rational thought. The downstairs brain is primitive and instinctual.

In contrast, the “upstairs” brain is the part of the brain that is responsible for clear, rational, complex and creative thought. You know the Mother Dearest described above? That was her upstairs brain talking.

Unfortunately, sometimes we get angry, and we seem to “flip our lids.” Our downstairs brain takes over and rational thought goes out the window.

(For more information on the neuroscience behind this, I highly recommend this link. It is amazing. Dr. Siegel’s new book, The Whole-Brain Child is next on my reading list!)

http://www.kidsinthehouse.com/expert/parenting-advice-from-daniel-siegel-md#page=/video/what-happens-brain-when-we-get-angry

(Oh dear, I really have to figure out how to make a link work on WordPress. Until then, you may have to revert to the very primitive method of cutting and pasting. Trust me, this link is worth the extra nano-second it takes to do that.)

When our buttons get pushed in just the wrong way, our upstairs brain literally turns off. This is what happens to our children when one takes a bracelet from the other and then punches are exchanged. Their little brains flipped their lids. This is also what happens when parents are subject to reactionary behavior. You know, the “IF-YOU-DON’T-CUT-THAT-OUT-THEN-YOU-ARE-REALLY-GOING-TO-GET-IT!” impulses. Not that that ever happens to my husband or I. We are totally perfect.

But you know, for the benefit of everyone else, I decided to make another handy-dandy list of ways to cope.

And as I was making this list, it dawned on my that the very first response to my Facebook question was my very favorite.

“Make sure your involvement is as minimal as possible. Conflict resolution is part of the human experience, and the best way to learn is in a loving home.”

It also made me realize that when we interfere in every single argument our children have, we are denying them the opportunity to fully learn from it. We may also be causing blowback if we handle the situation poorly.

Photo credit: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3a/Flame_of_fire.jpg

Are you familiar with the term “blowback”? Side note: I’m a fan of Ron Paul. There, I said it. Don’t hate me. Blowback is a term he uses to describe the unintended consequences of meddling in the affairs of other countries. I believe this term is directly applicable to meddling in the affairs of our children. When we stick our noses in every argument, there WILL be unintended consequences. Why make ourselves the bad guy when we don’t have to be? Not to mention the damage we may cause if one child feels that we are repeatedly favoring another? Ok…that being said, let’s get to the list.

FOUR WAYS TO COPE WHEN YOUR KIDS ARE AT EACH OTHER’S THROATS

1) When your children get into an argument, repeat the following: “This is not about me.” Although your kids may be flipping their lid, you don’t have to.

2) Take a deep breath. Then say, “This is not about me” one more time, just for good measure.

3) Offer a simple limited choice, “I can see you two (or three, or whatever) are upset. Do you need my help to resolve this, or can you handle it on your own?” (If your kids are like mine and the prospect of my getting involved means sitting on the “Friendship Bench” and holding hands for a while, they will most likely decide to resolve it on their own.)

4) Have a list – like a real, paper, printed-out-and-hung-on-the-fridge type of list – of possible solutions that you AND YOUR CHILDREN have come up with ahead of time. Practice these methods of conflict resolution when the upstairs brain is in control. So really, I cheated a little because the “Fourth Way to Cope” really consists of a myriad of ways. But the goal is to have possible solutions decided upon ahead of time. Only then do we stand a chance of ever accessing them when our lids are momentarily flipped.

We have a family meeting every Monday night, and I am really excited to talk with my kids tonight about what we can do when we get into arguments with one another, and when we feel our lids starting to flip. I’m excited to tell them that I will not be responsible for solving all of their problems. I’m looking forward to teaching them, training them a little, and then turning over the responsibility to them.

Because really, that is exactly where it belongs.

Books Kids Family, Parenting, Peaceful Living

Holding it In, Letting it Out: A New Take on Emotions and Peeing

October 18, 2013 admin 1 Comment

A few weeks ago I read a blog post that was intended to be funny, and it was, but it also made me really stop and think.

The post was written by The Orange Rhino, a mom of four young kids who made a goal to go one whole year without yelling. When I first found her blog back in March, I was mostly irritated because I had the same idea in January, and I felt like she was taking away all of the potential I had to blaze some new trail (ha ha, like I’m the first mom ever to think of that!). Anyways, I got over my knee-jerk reaction to secretly hate her and started following her instead. In a recent post, she describes how she was on a road trip with her kids, and well… she had to pee really bad. She made the connection that keeping herself from yelling was just like keeping herself from peeing. She had to “hold it in”. It was a funny article that made a few good points – you have to notice your body’s warning signals when you are feeling angry, just like you do when you have to go to the bathroom, etc. You can read the post here: http://theorangerhino.com/learning-to-hold-a-yell/

But the one thing that kept coming to my mind was this: What happens when you wait too long to go to the bathroom? The answer? It’s accident time, baby. Sooner or later, it’s coming out one way or another. I don’t care care who you are or how much self-control you have, no one is capable of holding it forever. And the longer you hold it, the more of an emergency it becomes. Which explains why earlier in the year – when I made the resolution to NOT YELL – what is now known as The Grand Blow-Up of Day Three shall go down in history as a day of infamy. I simply held it in for two days too long.

It’s funny, because I see a lot of myself in the Orange Rhino. She’s very regimented and has similar goals to mine. But what makes us different is this: Have you ever seen a kid riding a bike and warned them about something in their path, only to see them focus so carefully on avoiding it that they run straight into it? Yep, we’ve all seen it happen. Many’s the time I feel that happening when The Orange Rhino focuses on Yelling so much. When that’s all we think about, it’s all we want to do!! That’s why my initial inclination to make this blog about “Not Yelling” turned into something more like “How to Live Instead”. Have you heard the song, Brave by Sarah Bareilles? I absolutely love it. It is my favorite. Some of the lyrics are, “Say what you want to say, and let the words fall out…honestly…I want to see you be brave”. I think that honoring and giving voice to our true emotions requires a great deal of courage. Instead of holding in those feelings it’s more about getting to the root of the problem, and then finding an appropriate time and place to release them. For me, that’s way this blog has become about being something, as opposed to not being something. I want to become more peaceful, and everything else will hopefully fall into place.

Last week I focused on beginning a more specific journey towards inner peace, and I made a few baby steps in the right direction by acknowledging some of the stumbling blocks in my path and accepting myself for who I am right now. As I laid in my bed very early last Friday morning, I contemplated where I was in the process, and where I stood in my own personal journey. And as I laid there, the most glorious thing happened. The dawn broke over the mountains just east of my house, and ever so slowly, morning light filtered onto the wall in my bedroom. It was a new day, and I felt ready to take it on. Ready to accept the challenges that lie in store and face them with a smile. Ready to persist in the right direction until something happens. Ready to begin anew.

That day I got out of bed and went to the store and bought the book The Happiness Project. I have a feeling I’m going to secretly resent this woman, too, for blazing a new trail I wish I would have. But today, I might actually start reading it. And then, who knows. I may love it. Either way, I’ll let you know.

Parenting, Peaceful Living, Time Management

Peaceful Practices

October 1, 2013 admin Leave a comment

In my mind, I have always associated peace with order. Chaos and peace are at opposite ends of the emotional spectrum, wouldn’t you say? And, having four kids aged 7 and younger, it can get pretty chaotic around here.

So, being the control-freak, errrr, I mean,…Type-A personality that I am, I am constantly on the lookout for ways to create order in my home. And therefore, creating a little peace, too. Whether it’s finding ways to not have to remind my kids 50 times to brush their teeth in the morning, or ways to make sure the house is clean before dinner, I am always, making little plans and tweaking our systems here and there. Basically, I’m trying to fix the root causes of my stressors instead of constantly putting Band-Aids on their symptoms.

So when a dear friend of mine e-mailed and asked me last week how I structure my day, I was weirdly excited. It’s like asking a mad scientist to explain her crazy ideas to you…she might go wild with a passionate response. I took a few minutes to contain myself, and then I sent her the response below. The reason I wanted to share it with you all today is because of the positive response I have received from this friend of mine. Not only has she found it helpful for her and her family, but she has shared it with other friends and neighbors that have found it useful as well. If you are feeling overwhelmed and exhausted by your hectic days, and are looking for some ways to restore order and calm, I’m hoping some tidbit here might be helpful for you, too. This list is devised with a young family in mind, but can be adapted for anyone at any stage in life. I think the key is finding what makes you feel happy and peaceful and productive, and then being consistent with it.

Anyways, take a look and let me know what you think!

From: Kimberly Tait

Ok, let’s talk routines, baby! 🙂

I love, love, love getting up early. I think it just sets the tone for having a great day. My mornings are totally sacred to me. Personally, I think that quiet time before the kids get up is what has kept me sane for the past 7 years (well, a little sane, anyways).

On my best days, I wake up at 5:30 and workout before I shower. When that doesn’t happen, if I wake up closer to 6, I just squeeze in about 10-15 minutes of yoga before my shower. Either way, I try to do something active right when I wake up. It helps me feel really alive and ready to take on the day. Then, I shower and get ready by 7. This is really important to me, for some reason. I don’t think it’s vanity so much as it is just wanting to feel clean. I hate feeling dirty. It makes me feel awful, and I’ve actually noticed that I snap at my kids way more when I feel gross and unkempt. Is that weird? So, I take that time from 6 to 7 or so, and that is MY time.

Once I am showered and the bed is made, then I take the time for my personal prayers. I love that this is kind of the last thing I do during my little quiet “me time” in the mornings. It gets me in the right frame of mind right before I go wake up the kids and the chaos begins. 🙂

So then at 7, I wake up the kids. Takes them about 30 minutes to brush their teeth, get dressed, make their beds, etc. Then at 7:30, we are on to breakfast. No one is allowed to eat breakfast unless they are ready for the day. Like ready, ready. Shoes on and everything. That way we can focus on eating and enjoying that time. Then, after breakfast is cleaned up and lunches are packed it’s family prayer and we leave for school at 8.

When I come home from dropping the girls off at school, that’s when I have my own breakfast. I let Dallin watch one episode of Sesame Street every morning while I eat my breakfast in peace (is that awful?). That’s when I read my scriptures and then check my e-mail. Usually, by the time I’m done, I have time to clean up the kitchen, get one load of dishes started, and get a load of laundry started…praise be that Sesame Street is one full hour. 🙂 My rule is: one load of dishes and one load of laundry every single morning. Then, voila…. it’s 9:30 am, I’m showered and ready for the day, my kitchen is clean, and my laundry is going, and I am free to take on the world (or, you know…. go to Target).

So, that’s my morning. It’s a fail-safe plan for me. (**I also should note here that I unload the dishes and fold the laundry in the afternoon while the boys are taking their naps. Dishwasher is always clear and ready to be loaded before dinner).

As for nights… First off, the kids clean up all the toys before dinner. I give them 15 minutes on the clock, and anything left out goes in my donation bin. No excuses. Ever. The house is totally picked up before we ever sit down to eat. Period. I’m a real stickler on that. Some nights they do great, and some nights they hate me for it, but they know there is no escaping it.

We usually eat dinner at around 6. After dinner, one kid helps me clean up the kitchen (we take turns by week) while the other gets started in the shower. Once the kitchen is clean, I go upstairs to help the kiddos finish showering and bathing. By 7 everyone is clean and smushy-faced and lotioned up and ready to be snuggled with while we read books. Family scriptures, prayer, one-on-one special time, then bed.

Then, voila…it’s 8:30 and my kids are in bed, my house is (somewhat) tidy, my kitchen is clean, and I’m ready to take on the world (or, you know…read a book. Or vegetate on the couch. Or go to bed by 9…lol).

I try not to clean after the kids go to bed (and really, since the kitchen is clean and the toys are picked up, I don’t usually feel like I have to). I just have my one deep-cleaning day on Monday, and then the rest of the week is just maintenance.

I hope this answers your question. And I hope you haven’t fallen asleep reading this. And I hope you understand that there are days when I get sidetracked with other obligations and the routine goes out the window. But, whenever I stick to this routine, it always, always works for me. Hope that some or all of it works for you, too!

Love you, friend…
-Kim

Parenting, Peaceful Living, Positive Discipline

The Hard Truth about Listening: Getting Kids (and Adults) to Listen in Three Not-So-Simple Steps

September 25, 2013 admin 4 Comments

One thing I have noticed in past week is this: in the feedback to TPP so far, there has been one resounding theme, “I am really trying not to yell at my kiddos and be more peaceful…but what about the times when they just won’t LISTEN?”

First off, let me tell you I am with you. Oh man, am I with you. My kids should each win some kind of award for Best Dramatic Representation of a Hearing Impaired Individual. Whether it is from across the room, upstairs, or at point blank range, they can be experts at tuning out what they don’t want to hear.

Since I set out on this little journey, the Listening Dilemma has been a primary question of mine, too. And as I’ve read up on the subject and observed mothers that are far more experienced than I am, I’ve noticed one hard truth. As far as listening goes, there is no easy fix.

Listening is a skill that takes a lifetime to master. Actually, scratch that. Some people never master it. Yet we often expect our little ones to listen the first time, every time, and diligently follow through with each and every request we throw at them. Well, no matter what technique you try, that’s just not realistic. But, I have found there are some very good tools out there to help us as we teach our kiddos how to improve.

As I was pondering the listening phenomenon this week, something very interesting happened to me. Very interesting, indeed. It happened just after my daughters came home from school yesterday. They had eaten their afternoon snack, and they had bounded upstairs to get their swimsuits on. We had just about 15 minutes until it was time to leave for swim lessons. I saw this as an opportunity to grab a quick bite to eat. As it turns out, spending a couple of hours writing every day can put a serious damper on your lunchtime routine. More on that later. So I was starving, and I made myself a quick turkey sandwich. I made it as quickly as I could, and finally sat down to take a bite.

And that is precisely when it happened.

“MOOO-M”

(Okay, this bothers me. When written, this words looks like moom, like it rhymes with room. What I mean is MOOO-M. You know, the MOM-I-NEED-YOU-TO-COME-DO-SOMETHING-FOR-ME call. How exactly does one type out the tone of that voice…that calling from upstairs voice. The long, drawn out AHHHHH sound in Mom. The one that can sometimes be the most grating sound you’ve ever heard. The one that gets louder with each repetition, until it’s a frantic yelling… MOM!! MOM!!! The one you’ve heard ever since your toddler started calling for you to come wipe their bum after going poop on the potty. The one that probably continues until they are teenagers looking for some particular item of clothing in a pile of laundry. You know the call. The MOM call. You know how your gut feels when you hear it. “UGH! They need me AGAIN!” That one.)

She called again, “MOOOO-M” (you know what I mean).

And do you know what I did?

I pretended like I didn’t hear her.

I didn’t answer her. I tuned her out. And do you know why? Because I was hungry, that’s why. All I wanted in life at that moment was to eat my sandwich in peace. I just wanted her to get distracted by something else, forget that she needed me, and move on. I very willfully did not listen.

And then, my eyes widened a little and my jaw dropped open.

I get so frustrated with my kids for not listening. But I do it, too!

Don’t get me wrong, this was not a completely new insight. I’m not that dense. But what struck me is the feeling I had inside. The gut feeling. I was irritated, because she would not let me be. I took a quick second to let that feeling sink in, and then I imagined something. Close your eyes (ok, don’t close your eyes because you are reading…) and think…

What would have happened if the situation looked like this?

– What if, when she called from upstairs, she said, “Mom, I need some help up here. Will you come help me fix it when you get a chance?” (Maybe realizing I might be busy, and being mindful of my needs, too? What if she just stopped sounding so demanding?)

– What if – instead of calling from upstairs – she came downstairs and looked me in the eye, and asked me in a really nice voice what she needed help with? (Maybe seeking me out, making eye contact?)

– What if, while looking me in the eye, she said “Hey mom, I see you are eating a sandwich right now. But when you are finished with that, I need your help with my bracelet.” (Maybe being aware of what was going on with me, making eye contact, and then trying a specific request?)

You’ve been there before! You’ve heard your kids get it right and ask you kindly for something. How does your gut feel then? Completely different, I tell you! 100% different. Like, Maybe-I-Won’t-Ignore-You-While-I-Eat-My-Sandwich different.

So, when our kids are on the receiving end of us hollering at them from downstairs, (“Ella….Ella?… ELLA MARIE!!” You know I’ve done it. And so have you…) what makes them any different from us adults? They feel irritated when you are calling them… again. When they have conflicting needs, they will tune you out. And when you keep calling them over, and over, and over…voice getting louder, and louder…the less likely they are going to be in the right frame of mind to help out. It’s just a fact of life. Kids, adults, we all do it. I’m often amused by the fact that adults often expect more of their children than they are willing to do (myself included). Any Brian Regan fans out there? Remember the one about the kid going crazy because his balloon was flying away? (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, google it, it’s great). I think of that little bit a lot. Sometimes we adults need to take a second and put ourselves squarely in the shoes of our kids.

What if, instead of hollering to our kids from across the house until they answer, we try something different? What if we tried the following (look out…it’s another list!):

Be Mindful

Kids are not automatons. They have needs, just like us adults do. Sometimes the game they are playing is really super important to them and they just want to finish it before they fold their laundry. That’s okay once in a while. If you make an attempt to be mindful of their needs and treat them with respect, they tend to learn to mirror that mindfulness right back.

Seek Them Out, Get on Their Level, and Make Eye Contact

This one’s a no-brainer. Look them in the eye, for heaven’s sake. Take a knee and let them see you face to face. Sometimes it’s necessary for me to gently put my hand on my kids’ chins and help them look at me if they are distracted. Once I have their full attention, and only then, do I say what I’m going to say.

Speak Kindly, Be Specific, and Keep it Short

Sometimes it helps to take a deep breath first if we are feeling frustrated, but man oh man, a kind voice can go a long way. Think of the last time someone asked you to do something in a rude tone. How much did you want to do it? Probably not at all! And when you do ask your kids to do something, know exactly what it is you want them to do. No vague requests! Vague requests are guaranteed to get vague replies. Be reasonable, be specific. And keep it short. Kids have short attention spans. Asking them to hang on every word of a long lecture is pretty close to asking them to do a backflip. It ain’t gonna happen.

Additional Tips

Aside from this list, I have found there are several tools that work in our home for getting the kids’ attention. Most of these I learned from watching my kids’ teachers in their classrooms, teaching lessons to classes of children in church, or teaching various dance classes and musical theatre camps over the years. For example, you know those rhythmic clapping things they do at school to get the kids’ attention? They work brilliantly at home, too. That one is helpful when you need their attention quick, when you are dealing with a crowd of boisterous kids, and when you are on the verge of really wanting to raise your voice. Take your feelings out on your hands instead, and bust out a few good claps. Gets their attention every time. Once you have made a request of your kids, try having them repeat it back to you before they scamper off. Active listening is a skill. It takes practice, like anything else. One other thing that works for us is a little trick I learned while teaching a Primary class in church several years back. In the softest voice you can muster, whisper, “If you can hear me, touch your nose. If you can hear me, touch your ears. If you can hear me, touch your knees.” Obviously this works better for really young kids, but hey, they need to learn, too. It’s a fun little game that helps direct their listening while keeping everyone’s voice low.

Because really, let’s be honest. No one likes to be yelled for from across the house.

So, what are some tools you have used to improve listening in your home? What has been effective for your family? There are so many great tools out there. Let us know what works for you so we can all learn together!

Books Kids Family, Parenting, Peaceful Living

On the Road to No-Yellingville: Eliminating Temper Triggers

September 23, 2013 admin 6 Comments

When I first started thinking about this project back in January, it began as a goal to go for one entire year without yelling at my children. Let me restate that. One. Entire. Year. Well, that went out the window by about Day Three. What I learned very quickly from that initial phase is that it would take some groundwork before I made that dream a reality. It’s kind of like I got started on a road trip to No-Yellingville without packing any bags, checking a map, getting a tuneup, checking the tires, or filling up on gas. I had a destination in mind, but I hadn’t really done any work to get there. Or, as a friend of mine recently reminded me about meal-planning: fail to plan, plan to fail. What I needed in order to be a peacemaker in my own home was deceptively simple: I needed a plan.

So I started taking a personal inventory. What are my triggers? What makes me feel frustrated, angry, upset, and impatient? What can I do to minimize or eliminate those triggers in my day? How can I create an atmosphere in my home that makes me feel peaceful? Being the Type-A gal that I am, I made a list. Oh, how I love a good list.

So, here’s my list of my own personal Top Four Temper Triggers. These are the things that make me especially crazy and want to go postal from time to time. Your list may be similar or completely different. I’ve ordered them from what I’ve found to be the easiest fix to the hardest.

Hunger and Fatigue

You know how a toddler gets really cranky when they are tired and hungry? Guess what? Adults do, too. This is an easy fix. Take care of yourself. Listen to your body. Eat, drink, rest. This won’t eliminate the challenges in life, but man they are easier to face on a full stomach.

Clutter

Clutter can really drive me to the brink. It makes me want to yell, actually. I believe that for most people, your environment has a very real effect on your state of mind. I have several systems I have devised over the years for keeping the mess in our home to a minimum, but there are a few that, to me, are key. First and foremost, before dinner every night, we take 15 minutes to clean up. This has been a routine in our home since my oldest was a toddler. In addition to teaching my kids how to pick up after themselves and just generally keep an orderly home, I’ve found that the added bonus is this: a much more peaceful and relaxing dinnertime. And this goes for any time of day, really. It’s so much easier to disconnect from the distractions and focus on one another when there isn’t a pile of junky toys on the floor all around us (Don’t get me wrong, your toys may be very nice. Ours turn junky pretty fast). Also, de-cluttering seems to lessen the effects of I-Can’t-Find-My-Stupid-Keys! Syndrome, and Where-The-Heck-is-My-Brush?! Complex. Things are easier to find, and tempers are slower to flare. Aside from our nightly 15-minute pick-up, I also deep clean and de-clutter every Monday. For me, being a peacemaker in this sense is very literal. If I want a peaceful environment, I need to find ways to make it peaceful. It doesn’t just happen. There is a good amount of plain old work involved.

Being in a rush

Whether it’s rushing to get to school/church/anywhere on time, or just rushing the kids out of the car in this stupid Arizona heat before my face melts off, the rush of the day can be exhausting, and infuriating. When I am in a hurry, I am generally not a very nice person. I struggled for a long time with trying to relax amid the rush. But, guess what? I have a secret..I found an even better way. Stop hurrying. Create a plan the eliminates the rush.

If you find that you are constantly running late while getting the kids ready for school every morning (like I did), make a plan and wake up earlier. The half hour or so of sleep you will lose is absolutely worth it. Create a morning routine with your kids that gives you plenty of time to eat breakfast and laugh together and say an unhurried family prayer. Create something that works and stick to it. In our family, we even created a strategy for getting out of the car faster on hot days. I spoke with the kids about it, and we mapped out a plan for unbuckling and packing up our things while the AC is still blasting, and then getting out on one side of the car in a single file. And, on the off days when something goes wrong and you are feeling rushed, just accept the fact that you are late and move on. Decide what it is important to you (to me, that’s being on time for school and church), and beyond that, let the chips fall where they may.

Tense relationships

Like I said, these triggers were ordered from easiest to hardest. This one a little more tough to talk about. But it’s real, so it’s worth talking about. How many times have you gotten into an argument with your spouse, and then found that your temper flared for the rest of the day? How many times do venomous feelings like that get spilled onto an unsuspecting child? Oh, it’s just the most heartbreaking thing. But it happens all over the world, all the time. No marriage or family is immune. And, it goes the other way, too! How many times do frustrating interactions with your kids turn into gruff and depleted interactions between parents? Outside of that, how many times does a completely taxing day at work turn into a harsh and unpleasant evening at home?

We are all humans. We have emotions, and those emotions are complex. No human being – male or female – is going to make it through this life having happy, joyful, fulfilling experiences every second of every day. Relationships, like emotions, will have their ups and downs. That is life. But the truth is: tense relationships make tempers flare. It is the responsibility of the peacemaker to evaluate those relationships and strengthen them where they are weak. For me, that meant things like reading The Five Love Languages and sharing that book with hubs. It meant going to a Positive Discipline class and learning how to strengthen my relationships with my kids. It meant reading books like the Peacegiver and applying those concepts to relationships across the board. Peaceful relationships calm the soul. Again, they require work. But anything worth having requires work.

So, there you have it. The top four things in my life that trigger my temper. There are more, but I’ll stop there. What’s on your list? What makes your temper flare? Better yet, what’s your plan to fix it?

Faith, Parenting, Peaceful Living, Positive Discipline

Being the Glue

March 7, 2013 admin Leave a comment

I went to my Positive Discipline class again last night, and left poor David with all four kids at EVO. He was such a good sport about it, totally lied through his teeth and said they’d be fine. So I hurried off to my class, knowing that I had at least fed them all dinner and left the kitchen clean.

When I got home that evening, feeling renewed and encouraged by all I had learned in class, I walked in to a nice, quiet house. David had just gotten the kids to bed. But, well, the house wasn’t as clean as I had left it. I didn’t expect it to be clean at all. I know all too well the tornado that is involved with getting four children to bed on your own. I kind of chuckled, actually, as I rolled up my sleeves and washed the pile of dishes in a sink that had been spotless 3 hours ago. Like a super sleuth, I could tell exactly what had happened while I was away, just by the evidence all around me. They had obviously come home and eaten a second round of dinner, followed by what looked like massive amounts of ice cream. When the dishes were all done (again), I moved on to the kitchen table, tidied up all of the books that had been read before bedtime, and then moved on to the bedroom. I folded the laundry that had piled up on the bed, and fed Jack one last time before bed. The house was so quiet that I didn’t even mind the busy work. It was strangely relaxing.

As David stepped out of the shower, he said something that struck me.

“You know… you are really the glue.”

“The glue?” I said.

“Yes. It is just not the same when you are gone. The kids are crazy. The house is a wreck. There is a calm when you are here, and it is never the same without you.”

Although I knew he was being pretty generous in his assessment, the comment really warmed my heart. Because as a mom, isn’t that really what we are all striving for? Don’t we all just really want to be that calming influence, that warm blanket on a cold day that your whole family finds warmth and protection in? I know I do. I want them to know that as long as I am here, everything will be ok. Or at least, as ok as it can be in any given circumstance.

So tonight, as I prayed, I asked my Heavenly Father to strengthen me in being the glue. Because at this point in my life, that is just the kind of peacemaker I want to be.

Faith, Parenting, Peaceful Living, Time Management, Uncategorized

Sometimes

February 10, 2013 admin 2 Comments

Sometimes balancing motherhood and managing your home means that the only time you have available to go grocery shopping is late on a Saturday night after the kids go to bed. Like, 11 pm late. And sometimes because your husband is a small business owner undergoing an extreme amount of stress, that means coming home to a house full of sleeping people. And sometimes, while unloading all of the groceries by yourself in the middle of the night, you start to feel like no one gives a rat’s behind that you are doing what you are doing so they can eat breakfast tomorrow.

But at least the house is quiet.

So, maybe if they don’t notice, it’s okay. Maybe instead I can take a few minutes to notice them. I can look and see how peaceful Jack is when he sleeps. How the slow and steady movement of his little chest while he breathes is evidence of God’s most perfect miracle, human life. I can look at my husband, who works so hard and deserves every single moment of sleep he can get. I can listen and hear Ava, Ella, and Dallin snoring away in the next room, grateful for them and their clean squishy faces. Hell, even our dog is cuter when she sleeps.

It’s okay if they don’t thank me while guzzling down their orange juice tomorrow, or thank me for noticing that we had run out of napkins. They won’t notice, and they shouldn’t have to. What they should notice, and I hope they do, is just how much I love them. How I would go to the moon and back again for them.

Even if that means going to Safeway alone on a Saturday night.

The Peacemakers Project