Category Archives: Positive Discipline

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Avoiding Blowback: Four Ways to Cope When Your Kids Are At Each Other’s Throats

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One of the main reasons I started this project was to help my children learn how to be peacemakers. I didn’t want to assume all of the responsibility for bringing peace to my home myself. I wanted my whole family to share in that process and be invested in it.

So you can imagine my concern when, during our family prayer the other night, my daughters were not-so-quietly throwing punches at each other and yell-whispering “I HATE YOU, STUPIDHEAD!” while fighting back tears over a bracelet, and my two-year-old buddy boy was chiming in, taking sides, and just generally making the situation worse.

Did I mention we were trying to say a prayer?

And you can continue to imagine my concern when, the next morning as we were leaving for school, the kids were fiercely arguing (again) over (another) something of passing significance.

So, I decided to do a little research (and by research, I mean asking my friends on Facebook) to look for ways to cope with, and hopefully minimize the conflicts between my children. I simply asked, “What do you do when your kids are at each other’s throats?”

What I found was very interesting.

The responses from my parent-friends to this question seemed to fall into two categories. Those that were rooted in emotion and those that were rooted in thought. The emotion-driven responses seemed to be more reactionary, whereas the thought-driven responses were apparently decided upon and developed ahead of time (before the conflict began).

As I processed these responses, I realized maybe these little sibling-rivalry spats wouldn’t be so bad if Mother Dearest was some saintly, perfectly calm, emotion-free thinker….cool as a cucumber and always in control.

“Oh, you sweet children. Having an argument again are you? Oh dear. Let’s take some time to process this. I’m going to calmly access all of the best parenting methods I have available to me to help you facilitate a resolution.”

That would be nice, wouldn’t it?

But unfortunately, that is not always the case.

Moms do have emotions. We are subject to the very same neuroscience that our children are subject to when they become frustrated, irritated, and uncontrollably angry. Hopefully, as adults, we can process our thoughts and feelings in a more disciplined way than our children can. That’s the goal, anyways…right?

So, to be honest, the real problem (for me) behind my children’s arguments are not the arguments themselves. Kids are kids. They will have conflicts. That is part of growing up and learning how to function in a family. That’s what siblings do. The problem is this: When kids flip their lids, sometimes it makes their parents flip their lids, too.

After some further research, I found there are basically two portions of our brain. The “downstairs” brain, located toward the lower back of our skull, is responsible for primal thought and emotion. Ever feel your heart beating fast, jaw clenched, and your fists ball up? Downstairs brain all the way. The downstairs brain can not access logical, rational thought. The downstairs brain is primitive and instinctual.

In contrast, the “upstairs” brain is the part of the brain that is responsible for clear, rational, complex and creative thought. You know the Mother Dearest described above? That was her upstairs brain talking.

Unfortunately, sometimes we get angry, and we seem to “flip our lids.” Our downstairs brain takes over and rational thought goes out the window.

(For more information on the neuroscience behind this, I highly recommend this link. It is amazing. Dr. Siegel’s new book, The Whole-Brain Child is next on my reading list!)

http://www.kidsinthehouse.com/expert/parenting-advice-from-daniel-siegel-md#page=/video/what-happens-brain-when-we-get-angry

(Oh dear, I really have to figure out how to make a link work on WordPress. Until then, you may have to revert to the very primitive method of cutting and pasting. Trust me, this link is worth the extra nano-second it takes to do that.)

When our buttons get pushed in just the wrong way, our upstairs brain literally turns off. This is what happens to our children when one takes a bracelet from the other and then punches are exchanged. Their little brains flipped their lids. This is also what happens when parents are subject to reactionary behavior. You know, the “IF-YOU-DON’T-CUT-THAT-OUT-THEN-YOU-ARE-REALLY-GOING-TO-GET-IT!” impulses. Not that that ever happens to my husband or I. We are totally perfect.

But you know, for the benefit of everyone else, I decided to make another handy-dandy list of ways to cope.

And as I was making this list, it dawned on my that the very first response to my Facebook question was my very favorite.

“Make sure your involvement is as minimal as possible. Conflict resolution is part of the human experience, and the best way to learn is in a loving home.”

It also made me realize that when we interfere in every single argument our children have, we are denying them the opportunity to fully learn from it. We may also be causing blowback if we handle the situation poorly.

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Photo credit: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3a/Flame_of_fire.jpg

Are you familiar with the term “blowback”? Side note: I’m a fan of Ron Paul. There, I said it. Don’t hate me. Blowback is a term he uses to describe the unintended consequences of meddling in the affairs of other countries. I believe this term is directly applicable to meddling in the affairs of our children. When we stick our noses in every argument, there WILL be unintended consequences. Why make ourselves the bad guy when we don’t have to be? Not to mention the damage we may cause if one child feels that we are repeatedly favoring another? Ok…that being said, let’s get to the list.

FOUR WAYS TO COPE WHEN YOUR KIDS ARE AT EACH OTHER’S THROATS

1) When your children get into an argument, repeat the following: “This is not about me.” Although your kids may be flipping their lid, you don’t have to.

2) Take a deep breath. Then say, “This is not about me” one more time, just for good measure.

 

3) Offer a simple limited choice, “I can see you two (or three, or whatever) are upset. Do you need my help to resolve this, or can you handle it on your own?” (If your kids are like mine and the prospect of my getting involved means sitting on the “Friendship Bench” and holding hands for a while, they will most likely decide to resolve it on their own.)

4) Have a list – like a real, paper, printed-out-and-hung-on-the-fridge type of list –  of possible solutions that you AND YOUR CHILDREN have come up with ahead of time. Practice these methods of conflict resolution when the upstairs brain is in control. So really, I cheated a little because the “Fourth Way to Cope” really consists of a myriad of ways. But the goal is to have possible solutions decided upon ahead of time. Only then do we stand a chance of ever accessing them when our lids are momentarily flipped.

We have a family meeting every Monday night, and I am really excited to talk with my kids tonight about what we can do when we get into arguments with one another, and when we feel our lids starting to flip. I’m excited to tell them that I will not be responsible for solving all of their problems. I’m looking forward to teaching them, training them a little, and then turning over the responsibility to them.

Because really, that is exactly where it belongs.

 

 

Parenting, Peaceful Living, Positive Discipline

The Hard Truth about Listening: Getting Kids (and Adults) to Listen in Three Not-So-Simple Steps

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One thing I have noticed in past week is this: in the feedback to TPP so far, there has been one resounding theme, “I am really trying not to yell at my kiddos and be more peaceful…but what about the times when they just won’t LISTEN?”

First off, let me tell you I am with you. Oh man, am I with you. My kids should each win some kind of award for Best Dramatic Representation of a Hearing Impaired Individual. Whether it is from across the room, upstairs, or at point blank range, they can be experts at tuning out what they don’t want to hear.

Since I set out on this little journey, the Listening Dilemma has been a primary question of mine, too. And as I’ve read up on the subject and observed mothers that are far more experienced than I am, I’ve noticed one hard truth. As far as listening goes, there is no easy fix.

Listening is a skill that takes a lifetime to master. Actually, scratch that. Some people never master it. Yet we often expect our little ones to listen the first time, every time, and diligently follow through with each and every request we throw at them. Well, no matter what technique you try, that’s just not realistic. But, I have found there are some very good tools out there to help us as we teach our kiddos how to improve.

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As I was pondering the listening phenomenon this week, something very interesting happened to me. Very interesting, indeed. It happened just after my daughters came home from school yesterday. They had eaten their afternoon snack, and they had bounded upstairs to get their swimsuits on. We had just about 15 minutes until it was time to leave for swim lessons. I saw this as an opportunity to grab a quick bite to eat. As it turns out, spending a couple of hours writing every day can put a serious damper on your lunchtime routine. More on that later. So I was starving, and I made myself a quick turkey sandwich. I made it as quickly as I could, and finally sat down to take a bite.

And that is precisely when it happened.

“MOOO-M”

(Okay, this bothers me. When written, this words looks like moom, like it rhymes with room. What I mean is MOOO-M. You know, the MOM-I-NEED-YOU-TO-COME-DO-SOMETHING-FOR-ME call. How exactly does one type out the tone of that voice…that calling from upstairs voice. The long, drawn out AHHHHH sound in Mom. The one that can sometimes be the most grating sound you’ve ever heard. The one that gets louder with each repetition, until it’s a frantic yelling… MOM!! MOM!!! The one you’ve heard ever since your toddler started calling for you to come wipe their bum after going poop on the potty. The one that probably continues until they are teenagers looking for some particular item of clothing in a pile of laundry. You know the call. The MOM call. You know how your gut feels when you hear it. “UGH! They need me AGAIN!” That one.)

She called again, “MOOOO-M” (you know what I mean).

And do you know what I did?

I pretended like I didn’t hear her.

I didn’t answer her. I tuned her out. And do you know why? Because I was hungry, that’s why.  All I wanted in life at that moment was to eat my sandwich in peace. I just wanted her to get distracted by something else, forget that she needed me, and move on. I very willfully did not listen.

And then, my eyes widened a little and my jaw dropped open.

I get so frustrated with my kids for not listening. But I do it, too!

Don’t get me wrong, this was not a completely new insight. I’m not that dense. But what struck me is the feeling I had inside. The gut feeling. I was irritated, because she would not let me be. I took a quick second to let that feeling sink in, and then I imagined something. Close your eyes (ok, don’t close your eyes because you are reading…) and think…

What would have happened if the situation looked like this?

– What if, when she called from upstairs, she said, “Mom, I need some help up here. Will you come help me fix it when you get a chance?” (Maybe realizing I might be busy, and being mindful of my needs, too? What if she just stopped sounding so demanding?)

– What if – instead of calling from upstairs – she came downstairs and looked me in the eye, and asked me in a really nice voice what she needed help with? (Maybe seeking me out, making eye contact?)

– What if, while looking me in the eye, she said “Hey mom, I see you are eating a sandwich right now. But when you are finished with that, I need your help with my bracelet.” (Maybe being aware of what was going on with me, making eye contact, and then trying a specific request?)

You’ve been there before! You’ve heard your kids get it right and ask you kindly for something. How does your gut feel then? Completely different, I tell you! 100% different. Like, Maybe-I-Won’t-Ignore-You-While-I-Eat-My-Sandwich different.

So, when our kids are on the receiving end of us hollering at them from downstairs, (“Ella….Ella?… ELLA MARIE!!” You know I’ve done it. And so have you…) what makes them any different from us adults? They feel irritated when you are calling them… again. When they have conflicting needs, they will tune you out. And when you keep calling them over, and over, and over…voice getting louder, and louder…the less likely they are going to be in the right frame of mind to help out. It’s just a fact of life. Kids, adults, we all do it. I’m often amused by the fact that adults often expect more of their children than they are willing to do (myself included). Any Brian Regan fans out there? Remember the one about the kid going crazy because his balloon was flying away? (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, google it, it’s great). I think of that little bit a lot. Sometimes we adults need to take a second and put ourselves squarely in the shoes of our kids.

What if, instead of hollering to our kids from across the house until they answer, we try something different? What if we tried the following (look out…it’s another list!):

Be Mindful

Kids are not automatons. They have needs, just like us adults do. Sometimes the game they are playing is really super important to them and they just want to finish it before they fold their laundry. That’s okay once in a while. If you make an attempt to be mindful of their needs and treat them with respect, they tend to learn to mirror that mindfulness right back.

Seek Them Out, Get on Their Level, and Make Eye Contact

This one’s a no-brainer. Look them in the eye, for heaven’s sake. Take a knee and let them see you face to face. Sometimes it’s necessary for me to gently put my hand on my kids’ chins and help them look at me if they are distracted. Once I have their full attention, and only then, do I say what I’m going to say.

Speak Kindly, Be Specific, and Keep it Short

Sometimes it helps to take a deep breath first if we are feeling frustrated, but man oh man, a kind voice can go a long way. Think of the last time someone asked you to do something in a rude tone. How much did you want to do it? Probably not at all! And when you do ask your kids to do something, know exactly what it is you want them to do. No vague requests! Vague requests are guaranteed to get vague replies. Be reasonable, be specific. And keep it short. Kids have short attention spans. Asking them to hang on every word of a long lecture is pretty close to asking them to do a backflip. It ain’t gonna happen.

Additional Tips

Aside from this list, I have found there are several tools that work in our home for getting the kids’ attention. Most of these I learned from watching my kids’ teachers in their classrooms, teaching lessons to classes of children in church, or teaching various dance classes and musical theatre camps over the years. For example, you know those rhythmic clapping things they do at school to get the kids’ attention? They work brilliantly at home, too. That one is helpful when you need their attention quick, when you are dealing with a crowd of boisterous kids, and when you are on the verge of really wanting to raise your voice. Take your feelings out on your hands instead, and bust out a few good claps. Gets their attention every time. Once you have made a request of your kids, try having them repeat it back to you before they scamper off. Active listening is a skill. It takes practice, like anything else. One other thing that works for us is a little trick I learned while teaching a Primary class in church several years back. In the softest voice you can muster, whisper, “If you can hear me, touch your nose. If you can hear me, touch your ears. If you can hear me, touch your knees.” Obviously this works better for really young kids, but hey, they need to learn, too. It’s a fun little game that helps direct their listening while keeping everyone’s voice low.

Because really, let’s be honest. No one likes to be yelled for from across the house.

So, what are some tools you have used to improve listening in your home? What has been effective for your family? There are so many great tools out there. Let us know what works for you so we can all learn together!

 

 

 

Faith, Parenting, Peaceful Living, Positive Discipline

Being the Glue

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Mother-Child-Klimt-LI went to my Positive Discipline class again last night, and left poor David with all four kids at EVO. He was such a good sport about it, totally lied through his teeth and said they’d be fine. So I hurried off to my class, knowing that I had at least fed them all dinner and left the kitchen clean.

When I got home that evening, feeling renewed and encouraged by all I had learned in class, I walked in to a nice, quiet house. David had just gotten the kids to bed. But, well, the house wasn’t as clean as I had left it. I didn’t expect it to be clean at all. I know all too well the tornado that is involved with getting four children to bed on your own. I kind of chuckled, actually, as I rolled up my sleeves and washed the pile of dishes in a sink that had been spotless 3 hours ago. Like a super sleuth, I could tell exactly what had happened while I was away, just by the evidence all around me. They had obviously come home and eaten a second round of dinner, followed by what looked like massive amounts of ice cream. When the dishes were all done (again), I moved on to the kitchen table, tidied up all of the books that had been read before bedtime, and then moved on to the bedroom. I folded the laundry that had piled up on the bed, and fed Jack one last time before bed. The house was so quiet that I didn’t even mind the busy work. It was strangely relaxing.

As David stepped out of the shower, he said something that struck me.

“You know… you are really the glue.”

“The glue?” I said.

“Yes. It is just not the same when you are gone. The kids are crazy. The house is a wreck. There is a calm when you are here, and it is never the same without you.”

Although I knew he was being pretty generous in his assessment, the comment really warmed my heart. Because as a mom, isn’t that really what we are all striving for? Don’t we all just really want to be that calming influence, that warm blanket on a cold day that your whole family finds warmth and protection in? I know I do. I want them to know that as long as I am here, everything will be ok. Or at least, as ok as it can be in any given circumstance.

So tonight, as I prayed, I asked my Heavenly Father to strengthen me in being the glue. Because at this point in my life, that is just the kind of peacemaker I want to be.