Category Archives: Books Kids Family

Avoiding Blowback: Four Ways to Cope When Your Kids Are At Each Other’s Throats

One of the main reasons I started this project was to help my children learn how to be peacemakers. I didn’t want to assume all of the responsibility for bringing peace to my home myself. I wanted my whole family to share in that process and be invested in it.

So you can imagine my concern when, during our family prayer the other night, my daughters were not-so-quietly throwing punches at each other and yell-whispering “I HATE YOU, STUPIDHEAD!” while fighting back tears over a bracelet, and my two-year-old buddy boy was chiming in, taking sides, and just generally making the situation worse.

Did I mention we were trying to say a prayer?

And you can continue to imagine my concern when, the next morning as we were leaving for school, the kids were fiercely arguing (again) over (another) something of passing significance.

So, I decided to do a little research (and by research, I mean asking my friends on Facebook) to look for ways to cope with, and hopefully minimize the conflicts between my children. I simply asked, “What do you do when your kids are at each other’s throats?”

What I found was very interesting.

The responses from my parent-friends to this question seemed to fall into two categories. Those that were rooted in emotion and those that were rooted in thought. The emotion-driven responses seemed to be more reactionary, whereas the thought-driven responses were apparently decided upon and developed ahead of time (before the conflict began).

As I processed these responses, I realized maybe these little sibling-rivalry spats wouldn’t be so bad if Mother Dearest was some saintly, perfectly calm, emotion-free thinker….cool as a cucumber and always in control.

Oh, you sweet children. Having an argument again are you? Oh dear. Let’s take some time to process this. I’m going to calmly access all of the best parenting methods I have available to me to help you facilitate a resolution.”

That would be nice, wouldn’t it?

But unfortunately, that is not always the case.

Moms do have emotions. We are subject to the very same neuroscience that our children are subject to when they become frustrated, irritated, and uncontrollably angry. Hopefully, as adults, we can process our thoughts and feelings in a more disciplined way than our children can. That’s the goal, anyways…right?

So, to be honest, the real problem (for me) behind my children’s arguments are not the arguments themselves. Kids are kids. They will have conflicts. That is part of growing up and learning how to function in a family. That’s what siblings do. The problem is this: When kids flip their lids, sometimes it makes their parents flip their lids, too.

After some further research, I found there are basically two portions of our brain. The “downstairs” brain, located toward the lower back of our skull, is responsible for primal thought and emotion. Ever feel your heart beating fast, jaw clenched, and your fists ball up? Downstairs brain all the way. The downstairs brain can not access logical, rational thought. The downstairs brain is primitive and instinctual.

In contrast, the “upstairs” brain is the part of the brain that is responsible for clear, rational, complex and creative thought. You know the Mother Dearest described above? That was her upstairs brain talking.

Unfortunately, sometimes we get angry, and we seem to “flip our lids.” Our downstairs brain takes over and rational thought goes out the window.

(For more information on the neuroscience behind this, I highly recommend this link. It is amazing. Dr. Siegel’s new book, The Whole-Brain Child is next on my reading list!)

http://www.kidsinthehouse.com/expert/parenting-advice-from-daniel-siegel-md#page=/video/what-happens-brain-when-we-get-angry

(Oh dear, I really have to figure out how to make a link work on WordPress. Until then, you may have to revert to the very primitive method of cutting and pasting. Trust me, this link is worth the extra nano-second it takes to do that.)

When our buttons get pushed in just the wrong way, our upstairs brain literally turns off. This is what happens to our children when one takes a bracelet from the other and then punches are exchanged. Their little brains flipped their lids. This is also what happens when parents are subject to reactionary behavior. You know, the “IF-YOU-DON’T-CUT-THAT-OUT-THEN-YOU-ARE-REALLY-GOING-TO-GET-IT!” impulses. Not that that ever happens to my husband or I. We are totally perfect.

But you know, for the benefit of everyone else, I decided to make another handy-dandy list of ways to cope.

And as I was making this list, it dawned on my that the very first response to my Facebook question was my very favorite.

“Make sure your involvement is as minimal as possible. Conflict resolution is part of the human experience, and the best way to learn is in a loving home.”

It also made me realize that when we interfere in every single argument our children have, we are denying them the opportunity to fully learn from it. We may also be causing blowback if we handle the situation poorly.

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Photo credit: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3a/Flame_of_fire.jpg

Are you familiar with the term “blowback”? Side note: I’m a fan of Ron Paul. There, I said it. Don’t hate me. Blowback is a term he uses to describe the unintended consequences of meddling in the affairs of other countries. I believe this term is directly applicable to meddling in the affairs of our children. When we stick our noses in every argument, there WILL be unintended consequences. Why make ourselves the bad guy when we don’t have to be? Not to mention the damage we may cause if one child feels that we are repeatedly favoring another? Ok…that being said, let’s get to the list.

FOUR WAYS TO COPE WHEN YOUR KIDS ARE AT EACH OTHER’S THROATS

1) When your children get into an argument, repeat the following: “This is not about me.” Although your kids may be flipping their lid, you don’t have to.

2) Take a deep breath. Then say, “This is not about me” one more time, just for good measure.

 

3) Offer a simple limited choice, “I can see you two (or three, or whatever) are upset. Do you need my help to resolve this, or can you handle it on your own?” (If your kids are like mine and the prospect of my getting involved means sitting on the “Friendship Bench” and holding hands for a while, they will most likely decide to resolve it on their own.)

4) Have a list – like a real, paper, printed-out-and-hung-on-the-fridge type of list –  of possible solutions that you AND YOUR CHILDREN have come up with ahead of time. Practice these methods of conflict resolution when the upstairs brain is in control. So really, I cheated a little because the “Fourth Way to Cope” really consists of a myriad of ways. But the goal is to have possible solutions decided upon ahead of time. Only then do we stand a chance of ever accessing them when our lids are momentarily flipped.

We have a family meeting every Monday night, and I am really excited to talk with my kids tonight about what we can do when we get into arguments with one another, and when we feel our lids starting to flip. I’m excited to tell them that I will not be responsible for solving all of their problems. I’m looking forward to teaching them, training them a little, and then turning over the responsibility to them.

Because really, that is exactly where it belongs.

 

 

Holding it In, Letting it Out: A New Take on Emotions and Peeing

A few weeks ago I read a blog post that was intended to be funny, and it was, but it also made me really stop and think.

The post was written by The Orange Rhino, a mom of four young kids who made a goal to go one whole year without yelling. When I first found her blog back in March, I was mostly irritated because I had the same idea in January, and I felt like she was taking away all of the potential I had to blaze some new trail (ha ha, like I’m the first mom ever to think of that!). Anyways, I got over my knee-jerk reaction to secretly hate her and started following her instead. In a recent post, she describes how she was on a road trip with her kids, and well… she had to pee really bad. She made the connection that keeping herself from yelling was just like keeping herself from peeing. She had to “hold it in”. It was a funny article that made a few good points – you have to notice your body’s warning signals when you are feeling angry, just like you do when you have to go to the bathroom, etc. You can read the post here: http://theorangerhino.com/learning-to-hold-a-yell/

But the one thing that kept coming to my mind was this: What happens when you wait too long to go to the bathroom? The answer? It’s accident time, baby. Sooner or later, it’s coming out one way or another. I don’t care care who you are or how much self-control you have, no one is capable of holding it forever. And the longer you hold it, the more of an emergency it becomes. Which explains why earlier in the year – when I made the resolution to NOT YELL – what is now known as The Grand Blow-Up of Day Three shall go down in history as a day of infamy. I simply held it in for two days too long.

It’s funny, because I see a lot of myself in the Orange Rhino. She’s very regimented and has similar goals to mine. But what makes us different is this: Have you ever seen a kid riding a bike and warned them about something in their path, only to see them focus so carefully on avoiding it that they run straight into it? Yep, we’ve all seen it happen. Many’s the time I feel that happening when The Orange Rhino focuses on Yelling so much. When that’s all we think about, it’s all we want to do!! That’s why my initial inclination to make this blog about “Not Yelling” turned into something more like “How to Live Instead”. Have you heard the song, Brave by Sarah Bareilles? I absolutely love it. It is my favorite. Some of the lyrics are, “Say what you want to say, and let the words fall out…honestly…I want to see you be brave”. I think that honoring and giving voice to our true emotions requires a great deal of courage. Instead of holding in those feelings it’s more about getting to the root of the problem, and then finding an appropriate time and place to release them. For me, that’s way this blog has become about being something, as opposed to not being something. I want to become more peaceful, and everything else will hopefully fall into place.

Landscape with Olive Trees

Last week I focused on beginning a more specific journey towards inner peace, and I made a few baby steps in the right direction by acknowledging some of the stumbling blocks in my path and accepting myself for who I am right now. As I laid in my bed very early last Friday morning, I contemplated where I was in the process, and where I stood in my own personal journey. And as I laid there, the most glorious thing happened. The dawn broke over the mountains just east of my house, and ever so slowly, morning light filtered onto the wall in my bedroom. It was a new day, and I felt ready to take it on. Ready to accept the challenges that lie in store and face them with a smile. Ready to persist in the right direction until something happens. Ready to begin anew.

That day I got out of bed and went to the store and bought the book The Happiness Project. I have a feeling I’m going to secretly resent this woman, too, for blazing a new trail I wish I would have. But today, I might actually start reading it. And then, who knows. I may love it. Either way, I’ll let you know.

Above All: My Battle With The D-Word

Ever since my son Jack was born, I have struggled with recurring bouts of depression. If you know me personally, this might come as a surprise. It’s not something I talk about very often. It’s just so dark and heavy. It’s hard to talk about without losing it. And, as Marjorie Hinckley said so well, “…crying gives me a headache.” For a while, the depression got rather serious. Every day was a challenge. I just couldn’t remember ever feeling happy about anything, and my days were punctuated with questions from my five-year-old like, “Mommy, why do you cry so much?”

It’s gotten better. We just celebrated Jack’s first birthday last month. As the dust settled from our move, and the daily routine settled into a productive(ish) life with four kids, so did the emotions (and the hormones) begin to balance out. But, every now and then, there is a backslide. I can feel the storm clouds gathering overhead. I can feel myself begin to withdraw, huddling deep within the recesses of my mind. And the battle against the darkness resumes.

Interestingly, the worst part of this particular battle for me is the guilt. I mean, there are people out there in the world that have real, legitimate problems. And here I am, crying in the shower again and feeling sorry for myself.

I don’t have all the answers yet. But it is getting better. Today, this talk given by a church leader I admire has given me great strength, and great hope. There is peace in knowing who you are. And this reminded me that I am not my depression.

I am not my bad days.

I am so much more.

Photo courtesy of Helena Zanting at https://www.flickr.com/photos/helenajz/

On the Road to No-Yellingville: Eliminating Temper Triggers

When I first started thinking about this project back in January, it began as a goal to go for one entire year without yelling at my children. Let me restate that. One. Entire. Year. Well, that went out the window by about Day Three. What I learned very quickly from that initial phase is that it would take some groundwork before I made that dream a reality. It’s kind of like I got started on a road trip to No-Yellingville without packing any bags, checking a map, getting a tuneup, checking the tires, or filling up on gas. I had a destination in mind, but I hadn’t really done any work to get there. Or, as a friend of mine recently reminded me about meal-planning: fail to plan, plan to fail. What I needed in order to be a peacemaker in my own home was deceptively simple: I needed a plan.

So I started taking a personal inventory. What are my triggers? What makes me feel frustrated, angry, upset, and impatient? What can I do to minimize or eliminate those triggers in my day? How can I create an atmosphere in my home that makes me feel peaceful? Being the Type-A gal that I am, I made a list. Oh, how I love a good list.

So, here’s my list of my own personal Top Four Temper Triggers. These are the things that make me especially crazy and want to go postal from time to time. Your list may be similar or completely different. I’ve ordered them from what I’ve found to be the easiest fix to the hardest.

Hunger and Fatigue

You know how a toddler gets really cranky when they are tired and hungry? Guess what? Adults do, too. This is an easy fix. Take care of yourself. Listen to your body. Eat, drink, rest. This won’t eliminate the challenges in life, but man they are easier to face on a full stomach.

Clutter 

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Clutter can really drive me to the brink. It makes me want to yell, actually. I believe that for most people, your environment has a very real effect on your state of mind. I have several systems I have devised over the years for keeping the mess in our home to a minimum, but there are a few that, to me, are key. First and foremost, before dinner every night, we take 15 minutes to clean up. This has been a routine in our home since my oldest was a toddler. In addition to teaching my kids how to pick up after themselves and just generally keep an orderly home, I’ve found that the added bonus is this: a much more peaceful and relaxing dinnertime. And this goes for any time of day, really. It’s so much easier to disconnect from the distractions and focus on one another when there isn’t a pile of junky toys on the floor all around us (Don’t get me wrong, your toys may be very nice. Ours turn junky pretty fast). Also, de-cluttering seems to lessen the effects of I-Can’t-Find-My-Stupid-Keys! Syndrome, and Where-The-Heck-is-My-Brush?! Complex. Things are easier to find, and tempers are slower to flare. Aside from our nightly 15-minute pick-up, I also deep clean and de-clutter every Monday. For me, being a peacemaker in this sense is very literal. If I want a peaceful environment, I need to find ways to make it peaceful. It doesn’t just happen. There is a good amount of plain old work involved.

Being in a rush

Whether it’s rushing to get to school/church/anywhere on time, or just rushing the kids out of the car in this stupid Arizona heat before my face melts off, the rush of the day can be exhausting, and infuriating. When I am in a hurry, I am generally not a very nice person. I struggled for a long time with trying to relax amid the rush. But, guess what? I have a secret..I found an even better way. Stop hurrying. Create a plan the eliminates the rush.

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If you find that you are constantly running late while getting the kids ready for school every morning (like I did), make a plan and wake up earlier. The half hour or so of sleep you will lose is absolutely worth it. Create a morning routine with your kids that gives you plenty of time to eat breakfast and laugh together and say an unhurried family prayer. Create something that works and stick to it. In our family, we even created a strategy for getting out of the car faster on hot days. I spoke with the kids about it, and we mapped out a plan for unbuckling and packing up our things while the AC is still blasting, and then getting out on one side of the car in a single file. And, on the off days when something goes wrong and you are feeling rushed, just accept the fact that you are late and move on. Decide what it is important to you (to me, that’s being on time for school and church), and beyond that, let the chips fall where they may.

Tense relationships

Like I said, these triggers were ordered from easiest to hardest. This one a little more tough to talk about. But it’s real, so it’s worth talking about. How many times have you gotten into an argument with your spouse, and then found that your temper flared for the rest of the day? How many times do venomous feelings like that get spilled onto an unsuspecting child? Oh, it’s just the most heartbreaking thing. But it happens all over the world, all the time. No marriage or family is immune. And, it goes the other way, too! How many times do frustrating interactions with your kids turn into gruff and depleted interactions between parents? Outside of that, how many times does a completely taxing day at work turn into a harsh and unpleasant evening at home?

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We are all humans. We have emotions, and those emotions are complex. No human being – male or female – is going to make it through this life having happy, joyful, fulfilling experiences every second of every day. Relationships, like emotions, will have their ups and downs. That is life. But the truth is: tense relationships make tempers flare. It is the responsibility of the peacemaker to evaluate those relationships and strengthen them where they are weak. For me, that meant things like reading The Five Love Languages and sharing that book with hubs. It meant going to a Positive Discipline class and learning how to strengthen my relationships with my kids. It meant reading books like the Peacegiver and applying those concepts to relationships across the board. Peaceful relationships calm the soul. Again, they require work. But anything worth having requires work.

So, there you have it. The top four things in my life that trigger my temper. There are more, but I’ll stop there. What’s on your list? What makes your temper flare? Better yet, what’s your plan to fix it?

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